I just don’t want to deal with this right now. Or ever!

In my coaching meeting with a client last Friday, we prepared for the upcoming difficult conversation he had to face. He told me it was the one part of leadership he didn’t like, but he knew it was necessary. Unfortunately, he wasn’t the only leader facing this situation. Most people don’t want to face a difficult conversation in their personal or professional lives.

Why is that? We understand the importance of open communication - good or bad - but often won’t find time to sit down and talk. We find excuses not to have them; we procrastinate or ask somebody else to do it. Some of us decide to do right on the spot, without much thought or preparation, just to be done with it. 

Have you ever thought that things would improve if you let enough time pass? Or you created a story that the other person just needed more time to figure out what needed to be done.

Let me ask again, why is that? What prevents us from having a difficult conversation? Maybe it is fear that deflects the meeting to the point of no return. If so, what are we afraid of? A confrontation? How are others going to react to the conversation? Being disliked? We can feel the anxiety building inside us because we don’t know how to approach the conversation or because we can’t control how the conversation will go and how people will react to what we have to say. And not knowing and being able to control it makes us feel vulnerable.

I know what I used to be afraid of when I had to have a difficult conversation with my employee, my partner, or even my child. I was often afraid of what others would say about me; I was scared of not being liked or seen as a lousy leader/partner/mother. I believed that I had to look good at all costs; after all, I had to continue proving to myself and others that I was the right person for the job and that I was good enough to lead a team. Sometimes, I already knew how this conversation would go - both sides trying to prove their point.

Knowing what prevents us from having a difficult conversation, what could we do to make this conversation easier, and how could we prepare for it? I found the most helpful way to go into the meeting with the mindset that you are here to help and the difficult conversation is needed to set the right action. It’s crucial during this conversation to ask direct questions and listen; be curious and open-minded; be clear in your message, and check in with them to ensure they understand where you’re coming from. Devise a plan you both agreed to that provides the conversion that wouldn’t be needed in the future. But most of all, be a host. As a leader, your intention should be to be fully present with an employee and for the employee. This is how you can build trust and understand what needs to be corrected and completed.

But there are times when we need to be OK with experiencing discomfort to be able to change the situation. Other times, we might need to go deeper to find the underlining cause of our pain. For example, is there a story we’re telling ourselves? Do we need to change our approach or perspective? Do we need to evaluate our way of thinking about the situation, maybe change how we approach the problem, and finally, check who we are being now?

I’m curious, where in your life might be the possibility of making a slight change in your doing, thinking, or being? Next time you recognize the internal battle, take a minute and quiet your mind to learn what holds you back from having the difficult conversation.