As a leader, having a difficult conversation with a team member is hard. But what is really the alternative? For example, one of my team members recently started showing up late to our morning meetings. So one day, I asked her to stay behind, so we could chat. As a leader, it is my job to notice those things and then try to get to the bottom of the cause. Why? Something that might be a small deal or happens less frequently could become a problem later. And once it becomes a problem, then other members of the team will look at me and ask — why aren’t you dealing with it? Others might secretly resent me for allowing one person to come late to the meetings when I expected everyone else to be on time. It creates inconsistencies, sends mixed messages, and makes me look like I have double standards.
Sitting down across from your employee and asking the question takes work. Why? Well, most of us want to be liked and respected as a leader; we want to be seen as a person of integrity and trust. And when we need to ask a tricky question, we don’t know how the other person will respond, how they will react, and if it will change the trajectory of our relationship moving forward.
So what is the alternative? The alternative is less confrontational. It’s to ignore the problem and move forward as if nothing was wrong, hoping things will stabilize if enough time is allowed. You might be lucky, and that could be true for your employee. But what if the situation doesn’t improve or becomes worst?
When I first noticed her late arrival, I started to pay extra attention to what she was doing, how she communicated and interacted with others, and the status of her projects. I observed her actions for a few days after noticing the change.
Also, during this time, I paid attention to what was happening to me. What feelings were showing up internally? Was her behavior triggering something inside of me, uncovering unresolved issues from the past? Then I asked myself what I could do to remove my personal feelings from the situation.
Most of the time, my fears are related to losing the connection with someone in front of me. After all, I want to be liked, accepted, and respected.
There was a time when I blamed myself for my team’s mistakes, missed deadlines, or unresolved issues within the group. After all, I was the leader. However, I felt like I was not only letting my team down for not being the leader they deserved, but also the organization that trusted me to do my job.
So what happened? I knew to become the leader I always wanted to be, I had to look hard at myself and make peace with whatever held me back. I had a choice to make; I could resign from the leadership position and return to my previous role, or I heal myself from the past events that continued to show up, making me doubt my leadership skills and ability to lead.
I knew leadership was my calling, so I decided to go on a journey to become the leader my team deserved. Slowly, with time, I began to heal and gain self-confidence. I let my voice be heard; I shared my vision with my team and my leadership. Finally, I shared my passion with others.
Yes, there were times when my inside voice tried to sabotage what I was about to say or do, but I found the courage to speak up. I learned the skills and methods that allowed me to show up truly despite how difficult the conversation might be, despite what others might think of me as a result of speaking my truth.
I didn’t give up. Today I’m proud of finding my voice and letting it be heard; I’m proud to gain the strength to say “I don’t know” or “I need your help.”
I forgive myself for my mistakes at the beginning of my journey. I forgive myself for when my ego took the better part of me. I forgive myself for not having the courage to protect or stand for something important.
And lastly, every day, I commit to myself to show up as the best version of myself; I commit to my team to lead and support them on their journey; I commit to myself, to my organization, and to my coaching clients to show up powerfully, lovingly and truly. Finally, I commit to staying true to my values and leading from my heart.
My journey was like a rollercoaster. Sometimes I wanted to hide or forget about the world, the pain, the sorrow, and the mistakes I made. But I knew the unresolved pain would continue to manifest until it was healed. I might forget for a moment to ease the pain, but the pain will always be there until I forgive.
I know my journey is not completed yet, but every time I heal a painful part of me, I become a better person, leader, parent, coach, and friend. It takes courage to heal. It’s much easier to forget.
I now understand and teach other leaders the benefits of healing, forgiving, and moving on. I now remind them that leadership is a privilege.
What parts of your heart do you need to heal; what past experiences hold you back from standing in your power and letting your voice be heard; what part of your past do you need to forgive yourself to finally become the leader of your dreams?
