A Solution To a Problem That No Longer Exists.

Have you ever felt like you are trying to impress someone who is no longer part of your life or who shouldn’t have any say in how you live your life?

Yeah, I have!

During my recent conversation with my coach, we talked about my relationship with my father. It wasn’t an easy conversation, but I guess it was time to be brought up.

I told him that, for most of my life, I wanted my father to be proud of me. And he was… to some degree.

But he never really approved of me moving across the world and leaving behind everything I’ve built (and what he built for me).

So, for the last twenty years, I’ve been trying to show him that I made the right choice and that my decision brought more opportunities for myself and my children, opportunities I otherwise couldn’t have.

Despite my efforts to convince him that I made the right choices in my life, I continued to feel his disapproval. Despite being a successful adult with a well-established career and a happy life, I continued to feel like a little kid who disappoints their caregivers over and over again.

At that point, my conversation with my coach went something like this:

Him: “So, how old are you now?”

Me: “I’m in my late 40s.”

Him: “Are you the same person as you were when you decided to leave your home?”

Me: “No, I’m not.”

Him: “So, you are trying to solve a problem that no longer exists. You’re trying to prove to your dad that you made the right decision and make him see how happy you are. But you already made it; you are already there! You did build the life for yourself that you are proud of, right? So why are you trying to prove it to him?”

There was a moment of silence as I pondered on the question.

And then more questions started to overload my mind: why do I try to gain his approval? Why do I need to hear how proud he is of me? Why am I longing for something that I might never get?

We often find ourselves in a similar situation to mine when we’re constantly looking for ways to prove something to others or gain their approval and recognition for things we’ve accomplished.

Whether it’s your parent or your ex-partner, your children, family members, or even your friends, we continue to do things that we think will make us feel whole again, like are we enough, that we are lovable.

But here is the little secret I want to share with you.

All the things you are waiting for others to hear - the acknowledgment, the approval, the love - should come from within, for your heart and inner voice.

And that is the hardest thing to do in our lifetime: to tell yourself, your inner child, that you’re enough, that you’re lovable, that you're proud of yourself for everything you’ve done.

And then to believe the words you say to yourself.