To Trust or Not To Trust?
During my coaching or leadership training, I’m often asked this particular question: How do you build trust with your partner/children/team or within the organization? I answer that question with this: Trust starts within. Do you trust yourself?
We often find ourselves at the trust threshold in our personal or professional lives.
So what is the trust threshold? Robert Ellis said, “if you are on a quest for something more aspirational something that will require collaboration, maybe partnership with people that are new to you, how do you know if you can trust them? You’re willing to take a risk, to step into the unknown, but is it safe? What if you get hurt? This is unfamiliar territory. It can feel very vulnerable. You may not know how to create safety for yourself.”
Have you ever found yourself stuck in a dilemma - to trust or not to trust? Have you ever looked at other people and wondered how they do it; how do they trust others? How do they know they’ll have your back if they start working together?
When I started my leadership journey, I stepped into unfamiliar territory, a territory full of unexpected turns and neverending traps I fell into despite my best efforts. Because I was just at the beginning of my journey, I didn’t trust myself. I was terrified of making the wrong move; I was afraid of losing control, getting hurt, being taken advantage of, and losing my face because I failed. I couldn’t even know how to open up to others to build trust, and I wasn’t ready to ask for help. I was scared of being vulnerable because that came with risk, uncertainty, and, mostly, exposure to being seen; it often created a feeling of uncertainty, anxiety, and fear.
Brené Browns, in her book Daring Greatly, says that “vulnerability sounds like truth and feels like courage. Of course, truth and courage aren’t always comfortable, but they’re never weakness.” Later she states that “being vulnerable and open is a mutual and integral part of the trust-building process.”
I knew if I wanted to become the leader I imagined myself becoming and leading from a place of trust, I had to let go of the need for control and open up to others. I had to find a way to have less resistance to trust and become more trusting and trustworthy.
I also discovered that I wasn’t only on a leadership journey but also a journey to self-discovery. I knew to start building trust-based relationships with others, I had to start with building trust within. It wasn’t easy to take the leap of faith and put trust in myself, but little by little, I started to trust my knowledge, my experience, and what was in my bones; all of those parts of me guided me to make the right decisions. Over time, trust became one of my core values.
Building trustworthy relationships is a long and never-ending process. There are times when I need to show my vulnerability to be able to gain someone else’s trust. Sometimes I expect that from others in order to be able to trust them. At this time, I often find myself at the trust threshold, where I can pause, observe, and go inward before I’m ready to walk through the door. Sometimes I also find myself at the knowledge threshold. Maybe the situation feels so familiar that I go back to my previous experience, and based on that, I can make a judgment and respond accordingly. Since I’ve been there before, I’m coming from the fear of knowing too much, so I chose not to trust the person, situation, or opportunity. I might not know enough, and because of a lack of my experience, I chose not to trust a person and enter a partnership with them. When I start to question my trust regarding a person or a situation, it might come with an assumption that maybe I don’t trust myself since I’ve made a wrong decision in the past. That assumption might cost me a relationship, a partnership, or even an opportunity to live a beautiful life, or it might just be just the right thing to do.
Trust doesn’t happen suddenly. It is built during moments that might seem small yet are impactful. We might notice our partner, colleague, or friend’s sad eyes despite the smile on their face, their slouched shoulders, moving the food around the plate during our lunch together. If you notice this moment, you have a choice to redirect your attention from what you’re doing to the person in front of you and become a host - become curious, let them know that you care, ask a question, and listen. Every small act of kindness brings you closer to building a trusting relationship with the person in front of you.
“Trust is a product of vulnerability that grows over time and requires work, attention, and full engagement. Trust isn’t a grand gesture - it’s a growing marble collection.” - Brené Brown.
What actions are you willing to take today that brings you closer to building trust-based relationships?
