How Did I Put My Heart “Under Construction?”
For most of my life, I struggled with love, being loved, loving others but mostly, loving myself. I never really understood why I needed to love so much and fought for it for so long. I couldn’t understand why I didn’t feel loved by those who said they loved me, and if they meant what they said, why it didn’t bring me peace and the feeling of safety. I searched long and wide for those who could provide me with what my heart was seeking, and as a result, I broke the hearts that couldn’t provide me with the love I desired. Unfortunately, I also allowed my heart to be broken by those who were just not right for me. Deep down, I knew they were the wrong choice for me, yet I went down the path that sometimes led to more pain and loneliness. Sometimes I stayed in relationships that were unfulfilling from the fear of being alone and lonely. And as I was traveling through my love life, learning about love from all the experiences available to me, I often wondered if love existed or if it was just something I read in a book or experienced while watching a movie. I was lost.
When my last romantic relationship came to an end, I was heartbroken. I found myself in such darkness that scared me; I was unmotivated and lonely. I couldn’t understand what I did wrong this time. I was reliving my life over and over again, trying to pinpoint the time, experience, or moment in my relationship that defined my current state.
One day, as I tried to find closure from my last relationship, the harsh realization hit me like a train. I heard a voice, my inner wisdom, yelling at me that it was time to make a choice. It was time to decide how to spend the rest of my life. The fact that I had a choice was a big surprise to me. I thought my path was already set, and that path was either to be lonely for the rest of my life or continue to search for love knowing that it might come with yet another heartbreak.
Almost three years ago now, I decided to make a choice. I decided to go on a deep and uncomfortable journey, searching for a love that met my needs. At that moment, I found myself at the love threshold.
Robert Ellis describes the love threshold as ”the fear that if you knew the truth about yourself, you would discover that there was something fundamentally wrong with you, that you’re unlovable. And the fear that, even worse, someone will find out.”
Realization of what the love threshold really described was terrifying to me! I had a choice to believe that something was wrong with me and that I should stay away from romance or try to find the source of that fear. But I knew facing my challenges, my past, and my struggles would help me create the life I sought. I was terrified of that thought. But I knew I couldn’t do it alone, so I asked for all the help I could get — from my friends, family, coaching community, and therapy.
Every day, I made little progress in healing parts of myself that were bruised or broken. But, with time, I learned how to help myself by using tools and techniques I learned to face the stories that prevented me from opening up my heart. I explored and experimented with the recommended frameworks and methods that could allow me to find the peace I was seeking. And to do that, I had to know what caused me to live that way, what prevented me from allowing myself to love and be loved.
Here is what I learned in the process of healing my broken heart.
All the work I’ve done and continue to do today, I HAD TO DO IT MYSELF. I realized I couldn’t outsource it; I couldn’t ask anyone else to heal my heart for me, to love me how I needed to be loved. And with time, I didn’t want to! As hard as this job was and is, I knew the love I sought started within myself. When I realized I never really loved myself for who I was, I got my answer to why none of my relationships lasted! I couldn’t expect anyone else to understand what and how I needed to be loved without being able to express it and provide it for myself. This revelation changed everything in my life. It was just like someone had removed the blindfold covering my eyes for the last couple of decades of my life. I was free from the artificial need to put expectations on others to heal my heart. This hard work on healing my wounded heart benefited me and those who are part of my life as well. I was able to show up and love my kids in a new way; I was able to show up as a strong, visionary leader and, at the same time, a leader who wasn’t afraid to lead from the heart.
I won’t ask you today if you ever had your heart broken or found yourself in a similar situation. I’m not going to ask if you ever searched for perfect love, and instead, you were left with a gaping hole in your heart. I’m not going to ask if you ever put expectations on others to fill your heart with love without looking inside your own heart.
But I will ask you this question — Do you really love yourself; do you feel worthy of love?
As you think about my story and the questions above, I invite you to reflect on Rumi’s wise words below.
“Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it.”
― Rumi
