Relationships: A Blessing and A Curse?

Recently, I had a conversation with a friend about relationships and why they have to be so hard. 

It made me stop and think about whether relationships are hard or do we make them hard. If the honest answer is the latter, my question is, why is that?

Maybe because we fall in love with a total stranger who is so different than us - from the upbringing to the environment and culture, they grew up in, to the values and dreams that drive their actions. 

As the initial state of attraction fades away and the day-to-day life problems start to creep in, that is when the rose-colored glasses disappear, and we start to see things for what they are.

It takes courage and curiosity to acknowledge the change and then to take appropriate actions that align with who we are and who we want to be when we’re in the relationship. Actions that bring happiness into our lives again.

Today, I’d like to share 5 steps for you to consider and, when you’re ready, to take action on.

Find a peaceful place to sit down, close your eyes, and remember the time when you met your partner/ spouse/ friend.

1. Reflect on why you chose this person. Is it because they had something special that piqued your interest? If so, what was that? Do you still see it when you look at them? Or did you, perhaps, lose sight of it amid everyday life?

2. Do you know what your values are that you live by? Are they different than your relationship values? Do you know what their values are? Are they aligned with yours? If so, how?

3. Do you both want and can give each other what you want based on those values?

4. Explore other aspects of your life. Do you recognize a similar pattern there?

5. When you’re ready, open your eyes and journal what you’ve learned.

Once you had a chance to reflect on what is not working, I’d invite you to be brave enough to sit across from your loved one and lovingly share your feelings, fears, and observations with them. You owned them that much.

And you own that to yourself.

How my broken heart helped me to become a better leader.

A broken heart. We all have experienced it. There is no way to avoid that unless you turn away from love altogether, if that is even possible. 

A broken heart can teach you a lot about yourself. I know it taught me a lot! 

2020 was a challenging year for many. For me, it wasn’t all about the pandemic. It was the loss of two very important people in my life - my colleague and my partner. Our relationships ended; they just walked away and moved on as if the past didn’t exist. I was left with pieces of my heart lying still in my hands. I knew I had to make a choice - I could stitch it together and move on, or take a careful look at the broken parts, understand them, and then heal them.

I decided to try the latter. I decided that I needed to find out why the feeling of abandonment and dependency was so present in my life. I knew it couldn’t be just my past; I knew I played a role, a part large enough that left me alone, heartbroken, and lost. So I sought help, determined to learn about my broken parts and heal what was broken long ago.

The journey wasn’t easy. Those who went through a similar journey know how hard it is to reenter your dark passage; it doesn’t matter if the trauma happened yesterday or when you were a 5-years old child. It won’t leave until you face it and try your best to make peace with it. And that requires persistence, grit, dedication, patience, and love.

One of the most valuable lessons I learned during my self-discovery journey was how to love myself and see myself for who I truly am - funny, kind, hard-working, dedicated, motivated, and full of love. It was one of the most difficult lessons I had to learn, and I continued learning. 

But self-love is not much different than when being in a relationship. (You just replace a stranger with yourself.) they both take time and require care and dedication. Just like in any relationship, there might be times when you get into a silent argument with yourself, you might not feel loved or loveable; you feel lost and abandoned. It might be because you lost sight of yourself, your values, and your purpose. The heart will tell you when you no longer live in your best self-interest.

I’m not saying that you need to be selfish to love yourself, that you always have to put yourself first. Not at all. What I’m saying is that you are as important as other people in your life.

And that was something that I never learned—quite the opposite. From my early years, I was taught that loving myself was selfish and that I should always put myself last. So I lived in a lie that if I gave my love away, I would finally feel loved.

I didn’t know that was an inside job. I didn’t know I was the only person who could love myself the way I needed to be loved. Why? Because I was the only person who truly, deeply understood my needs. I didn’t have to explain to anyone how I wanted to be loved because it came naturally.

For the first time in my life, I could fulfill my own needs, my love. For the first time, I felt loved. And with that self-love came healing. I showed up powerfully in my personal and professional life. I became confident in my decision-making, leading and supporting my team, and making big financial decisions. I felt whole and empowered; I could show up fully and lovingly as a coach, an ally, and a trusted friend. I was creating the life I loved.

Today, as a love and leadership coach and trainer, my aim is to help my clients get clarity on what holds them back from showing up powerfully and truthfully, to untangle from the beliefs and stories they have around love and leadership; I help them to see where their life might be misaligned with what their heart is longing for.

What are you longing for?

The Choice is Yours!

Over twenty years ago, I decided to turn my life upside down in search of opportunities that would allow me to create something by myself, for myself. I knew there was more to learn and explore beyond my current job, and I was eager to grow and explore.

When it became clear that I wanted to become a leader, I returned to school, took leadership courses, and started reading books that helped me become the leader I imagined myself to become one day.

In 2015, I got a job as a manager in the IT department. With time, I grew my team, and with that, I developed, grew, and implemented my vision. I found a mentor that supported me on my journey. It was the first time that I realized that to grow professionally, I had to look inside my heart and heal what kept me from truly becoming the person I was meant to be. 

A few years later, I got another opportunity to work with a visionary leader. I was excited and ready to take on a new challenge. I felt like I finally got where I wanted to be. I waited for this day for a long time!

Despite my professional success, I continued to struggle with self-esteem, with believing in myself and my unique abilities. I didn’t see myself the same way as others did. I continued to live in the past, listening to the stories society told me, starting with my parents, my family, and my culture. I believed that I wasn’t enough. I let people take advantage of me because I felt unworthy and “less than.” I believed my success was somehow due to them, not my hard work.

I had no energy to lead, run my business, or raise my kids. I felt like I was strong enough to do it on my own. I felt weak and powerless, hopeless and helpless. As you can imagine, it was a very difficult time for me. I felt the burden of my life was heavier with every day I lived.

Despite my life's difficulties, I knew there was much more for me to do. And I knew I wasn’t the only one struggling. I had a choice; I could continue to be a victim of my own circumstances, or I could take charge of my own life.

Sounds easy? Not so much! I had no idea where to start. I enrolled in more courses, but this time I wanted to learn more about my WHY and my PURPOSE and get clarity around my VALUES!

With time, I was able to get clarity around all three aspects of my life. I found my purpose. I defined what values were important to me personally and professionally, and I finally found my why!

It all came down to one thing - I wanted to help others; I wanted to help leaders to become a strong foundation for others. I wanted to help those who wanted to take ownership of their own lives, to become leaders in their own lives.

I knew there was more to learn. More books to read so I can help others. But to be able to help others, I had to be able to help myself first. I tested it on myself firsthand. I wanted to help others find their purpose and path and to support them on their journey, the journey I was on. 

I continued to work on myself, coach myself, and allow myself to be coached. I allowed myself to open up to others, ask for help, and become vulnerable. I started to coach from my heart because I didn’t want to change who I was to help others. I started to share my story with those who were interested in listening. I started to teach other leaders how to become better listeners, how to develop their vision and define their mission, and how to create and lead a strong and successful team.

My journey taught me that as a brand-new leader, I lacked clarity about what my dream team would look like or what skills I needed to develop to become the leader my team needed. I didn’t know how to develop and articulate my vision and then turn it into reality, set goals, and get the buy-ins from the employees I was managing, how to have a difficult conversation without fear of being seen as an incompetent manager. 

I’m curious, are you the leader you envisioned yourself to become when you entered your leadership journey? If not, what steps or actions could you take today to rewrite your journey? 

Remember, Growth starts with a commitment. Commitment leads to transformation. Transformation allows success.

Leading from Your Heart

Have you ever thought about what leading from your heart would look like? What would that feel like? Would that ever be possible?

Well, let me share my story with you.

My story is neither a simple nor an easy one. Over twenty years ago, I left my home country to create something for myself. I knew starting a new life far from home would be difficult, but I was never afraid of hard work. So I learned a new language. I got my first job as an intern using software I had never used to create a product for places that were unknown to me.

With time I wanted more. I turned my job into a career. I decided to be a leader, the leader I always wanted to learn from. I was told that to become one, I needed supervisory experience or a degree that would open doors to leadership. So I went back to school and graduated with another master's degree. A couple of years later, the opportunity came along, my perseverance paid off, and I became a leader.

It wasn't an easy task. Despite wanting to succeed, I struggled to find myself in a new role. I made mistakes. I took many wrong turns. I guess this was one way to gain knowledge and experience, to test what worked and what didn't. 

I continued to accomplish every single goal I set for myself. I was successful, determined, and driven. I continued to prove that I was a worthy and skilled individual while being kind and loving to others.

My life was full, but it felt empty. I struggled to fully show up as a wife, a partner, and the mother I wanted to be until I realized I wasn't true to my values.

So I decided to go on a quest, a journey to become the best leader I could become. I also found myself on another journey, a journey to self-discovery, to finally find out who I was as a person, to learn what my values were, and how to live and lead from my values. I was ready to heal my broken parts, parts that I was ashamed of, parts that kept me away from showing us fully and unapologetically.

Today I choose to share my story, the tools, frameworks, and models that saved my life and also made my life complete and fulfilled. Today I choose to share my story with those who want to step into the life of their dreams and start the journey to become who they are meant to be. Today and every day, I choose to show up powerfully and honestly, full of love, compassion, and curiosity as a mother, friend, leader, and coach.

Is it easy? No. Is it worth it? Absolutely!

If my story resonates with you, reach out today. I would love to hear your story!

I Just Forgot to Forgive.

As a leader, having a difficult conversation with a team member is hard. But what is really the alternative? For example, one of my team members recently started showing up late to our morning meetings. So one day, I asked her to stay behind, so we could chat. As a leader, it is my job to notice those things and then try to get to the bottom of the cause. Why? Something that might be a small deal or happens less frequently could become a problem later. And once it becomes a problem, then other members of the team will look at me and ask — why aren’t you dealing with it? Others might secretly resent me for allowing one person to come late to the meetings when I expected everyone else to be on time. It creates inconsistencies, sends mixed messages, and makes me look like I have double standards.

Sitting down across from your employee and asking the question takes work. Why? Well, most of us want to be liked and respected as a leader; we want to be seen as a person of integrity and trust. And when we need to ask a tricky question, we don’t know how the other person will respond, how they will react, and if it will change the trajectory of our relationship moving forward.

So what is the alternative? The alternative is less confrontational. It’s to ignore the problem and move forward as if nothing was wrong, hoping things will stabilize if enough time is allowed. You might be lucky, and that could be true for your employee. But what if the situation doesn’t improve or becomes worst?

When I first noticed her late arrival, I started to pay extra attention to what she was doing, how she communicated and interacted with others, and the status of her projects. I observed her actions for a few days after noticing the change.

Also, during this time, I paid attention to what was happening to me. What feelings were showing up internally? Was her behavior triggering something inside of me, uncovering unresolved issues from the past? Then I asked myself what I could do to remove my personal feelings from the situation.

Most of the time, my fears are related to losing the connection with someone in front of me. After all, I want to be liked, accepted, and respected.

There was a time when I blamed myself for my team’s mistakes, missed deadlines, or unresolved issues within the group. After all, I was the leader. However, I felt like I was not only letting my team down for not being the leader they deserved, but also the organization that trusted me to do my job.

So what happened? I knew to become the leader I always wanted to be, I had to look hard at myself and make peace with whatever held me back. I had a choice to make; I could resign from the leadership position and return to my previous role, or I heal myself from the past events that continued to show up, making me doubt my leadership skills and ability to lead.

I knew leadership was my calling, so I decided to go on a journey to become the leader my team deserved. Slowly, with time, I began to heal and gain self-confidence. I let my voice be heard; I shared my vision with my team and my leadership. Finally, I shared my passion with others.

Yes, there were times when my inside voice tried to sabotage what I was about to say or do, but I found the courage to speak up. I learned the skills and methods that allowed me to show up truly despite how difficult the conversation might be, despite what others might think of me as a result of speaking my truth.

I didn’t give up. Today I’m proud of finding my voice and letting it be heard; I’m proud to gain the strength to say “I don’t know” or “I need your help.”

I forgive myself for my mistakes at the beginning of my journey. I forgive myself for when my ego took the better part of me. I forgive myself for not having the courage to protect or stand for something important.

And lastly, every day, I commit to myself to show up as the best version of myself; I commit to my team to lead and support them on their journey; I commit to myself, to my organization, and to my coaching clients to show up powerfully, lovingly and truly. Finally, I commit to staying true to my values and leading from my heart.

My journey was like a rollercoaster. Sometimes I wanted to hide or forget about the world, the pain, the sorrow, and the mistakes I made. But I knew the unresolved pain would continue to manifest until it was healed. I might forget for a moment to ease the pain, but the pain will always be there until I forgive.

I know my journey is not completed yet, but every time I heal a painful part of me, I become a better person, leader, parent, coach, and friend. It takes courage to heal. It’s much easier to forget.

I now understand and teach other leaders the benefits of healing, forgiving, and moving on. I now remind them that leadership is a privilege.

What parts of your heart do you need to heal; what past experiences hold you back from standing in your power and letting your voice be heard; what part of your past do you need to forgive yourself to finally become the leader of your dreams?

Your Soul is Calling… Are You Going to Answer It?

During my most recent Secrets to the Leadership training session, I covered the aspects of thresholds. As I was describing each threshold to the leaders gathered in the room, I could see the “aha moments” on their faces or in their body language as they recognized the times when they also found themselves at each of these thresholds in their personal or professional life.

When I asked them to identify and write down the most recent situation at home or at work that was uncomfortable or difficult — may be the most recent difficult conversation with their employee, upcoming performance review, or sharing their vision with the team — they not only identified the situation but also they wrote, and later shared with the rest of the group, the threshold(s) they found themselves at.

For me, thresholds are like stories. When we come across a difficult situation, or when we lack knowledge or expertise, or maybe based on our experience, we know too much, perhaps we’re afraid of how others are going to see us and what they will think of us, we might feel scared, lost, overwhelmed or alone, unloved, we start with a story that goes like this. I can’t do it! I’m not smart enough, strong enough, or lovable — we convince ourselves that we are not enough to tackle the problem.

I’m curious, when you find yourself in a situation like this, what do you notice, what is happening to you, and what emotions start showing up for you?

When I find myself at any of those thresholds, I notice a story building inside my head. Some of the stories might be related to being a leader, showing us for my team fully and lovingly, standing behind my values, and letting my voice be heard. As a manager, I made decisions that impacted not only my team but also the organization and other members of the communities. I’m allowing myself to stand in my power, knowing I know enough to make a good decision, speak openly, and provide feedback. As a parent, it’s essential for me to show up the same way — fully and lovingly, despite the challenging behavior of a teenager, knowing that my actions or words might not be accepted but are often necessary.

As a parent, leader, and coach, my purpose is to help others to navigate these thresholds, these stories, and help them to find a way to disentangle themselves from their thoughts, limiting beliefs, and identities they adopted, so they can start creating the life they are longing for, the life that is calling them.

Every day, in my personal or professional life, I find myself at a threshold; I notice a feeling in my body and a story in my head. Today I know that this is an opportunity for me to reflect on what is happening, where my feelings or reactions are coming from, and what stories I am allowing myself to hear and believe in.

Because each story is designed to keep me safe, each story and each belief I have is an opportunity for the fear to show up in full swing and knock me down. Each story can overpower me if I give in and give up.

So, if my story resonates with you, I want to ask you the same question as Byron Katie asks her followers — who would you be without that story?

Are you really, truly, unlovable? Are you truly incapable of learning, exploring, believing, or changing?

I believe most of us have a choice when we’re presented with an opportunity. We can choose to progress, learn, explore, and grow, or we can choose to stay where we are, frozen in place, unable to step forward, giving in to our fears and stories.

Yes, we don’t know what awaits on the other side, and that thought might be scary. Yes, it takes courage and curiosity to explore what lies ahead and what opportunities are available to us on the other side of the fear.

But we have the inner power to face our fears and take one small step forward.

Sometimes that’s all that it takes. The biggest, smallest step — a step that you know you can take because it still is within your comfort zone, but it’s actually going to make an impact, a step that will move you closer to your goal.

In each of us, there is a tiny being, a quiet voice, that, once in a while, speaks up and urges us to listen. Sometimes, when we feel courageous, we allow that voice to be heard, and we take action — to move to a new city, to find a new job, to walk away from, or to enter a new relationship. But more often than not, we allow this voice to be ignored; we find ways to silence that calling, that longing, by telling ourselves that we don’t deserve it, we don’t have enough skills, knowledge, or wisdom to do anything with it. And by silencing that calling, we create a void in our souls. Sometimes we try to fill that void with long work hours, a busy schedule, or an overwhelming number of after-work activities. Or we might choose to shut the doors and windows and our hearts to the rest of the world and alienate ourselves from the rest of the communities that once were very important to us.

If you find yourself at the threshold that feels so overwhelming that you don’t know which way to turn or you think you can’t do anything about it, I’d like to invite you to consider this — you have a choice. Just because you believe this is how your life is, this is who you are, or there is nothing else out there for you, I’d invite you to pause and remind yourself that you have a choice to change all of it! And if you do, when you decide you’re ready to start creating the life that is calling you, step by step, moment by moment, reach out, and we can do it together.

I’d also like to invite you, as you notice you just came across the threshold, to write down all the feelings, the fears, the limitations, how it shows up, where it shows up — anything you can notice, and then ask yourself a question — Is it true? Is it really true?

Then you can just decide, are you ready to answer your calling?