How Did I Put My Heart “Under Construction?”

For most of my life, I struggled with love, being loved, loving others but mostly, loving myself. I never really understood why I needed to love so much and fought for it for so long. I couldn’t understand why I didn’t feel loved by those who said they loved me, and if they meant what they said, why it didn’t bring me peace and the feeling of safety. I searched long and wide for those who could provide me with what my heart was seeking, and as a result, I broke the hearts that couldn’t provide me with the love I desired. Unfortunately, I also allowed my heart to be broken by those who were just not right for me. Deep down, I knew they were the wrong choice for me, yet I went down the path that sometimes led to more pain and loneliness. Sometimes I stayed in relationships that were unfulfilling from the fear of being alone and lonely. And as I was traveling through my love life, learning about love from all the experiences available to me, I often wondered if love existed or if it was just something I read in a book or experienced while watching a movie. I was lost.

When my last romantic relationship came to an end, I was heartbroken. I found myself in such darkness that scared me; I was unmotivated and lonely. I couldn’t understand what I did wrong this time. I was reliving my life over and over again, trying to pinpoint the time, experience, or moment in my relationship that defined my current state.

One day, as I tried to find closure from my last relationship, the harsh realization hit me like a train. I heard a voice, my inner wisdom, yelling at me that it was time to make a choice. It was time to decide how to spend the rest of my life. The fact that I had a choice was a big surprise to me. I thought my path was already set, and that path was either to be lonely for the rest of my life or continue to search for love knowing that it might come with yet another heartbreak.

Almost three years ago now, I decided to make a choice. I decided to go on a deep and uncomfortable journey, searching for a love that met my needs. At that moment, I found myself at the love threshold.

Robert Ellis describes the love threshold as ”the fear that if you knew the truth about yourself, you would discover that there was something fundamentally wrong with you, that you’re unlovable. And the fear that, even worse, someone will find out.”

Realization of what the love threshold really described was terrifying to me! I had a choice to believe that something was wrong with me and that I should stay away from romance or try to find the source of that fear. But I knew facing my challenges, my past, and my struggles would help me create the life I sought. I was terrified of that thought. But I knew I couldn’t do it alone, so I asked for all the help I could get — from my friends, family, coaching community, and therapy.

Every day, I made little progress in healing parts of myself that were bruised or broken. But, with time, I learned how to help myself by using tools and techniques I learned to face the stories that prevented me from opening up my heart. I explored and experimented with the recommended frameworks and methods that could allow me to find the peace I was seeking. And to do that, I had to know what caused me to live that way, what prevented me from allowing myself to love and be loved.

Here is what I learned in the process of healing my broken heart.

All the work I’ve done and continue to do today, I HAD TO DO IT MYSELF. I realized I couldn’t outsource it; I couldn’t ask anyone else to heal my heart for me, to love me how I needed to be loved. And with time, I didn’t want to! As hard as this job was and is, I knew the love I sought started within myself. When I realized I never really loved myself for who I was, I got my answer to why none of my relationships lasted! I couldn’t expect anyone else to understand what and how I needed to be loved without being able to express it and provide it for myself. This revelation changed everything in my life. It was just like someone had removed the blindfold covering my eyes for the last couple of decades of my life. I was free from the artificial need to put expectations on others to heal my heart. This hard work on healing my wounded heart benefited me and those who are part of my life as well. I was able to show up and love my kids in a new way; I was able to show up as a strong, visionary leader and, at the same time, a leader who wasn’t afraid to lead from the heart.

I won’t ask you today if you ever had your heart broken or found yourself in a similar situation. I’m not going to ask if you ever searched for perfect love, and instead, you were left with a gaping hole in your heart. I’m not going to ask if you ever put expectations on others to fill your heart with love without looking inside your own heart.

But I will ask you this question — Do you really love yourself; do you feel worthy of love?

As you think about my story and the questions above, I invite you to reflect on Rumi’s wise words below.

“Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it.”

― Rumi

Just two more miles! What ‘hitting the wall’ taught me.

In 2014, around my birthday, I decided to run my first half marathon. I’ve never run a long distance, and I didn’t think I liked running enough to dedicate the next few months of my life to getting on a training schedule and running. But everybody around me was doing it, so I decided to do it as well. This a classic example of peer pressure, but this is not what I’m going to write about, at least not today. 

Following my decision, I searched for a local race that I wanted to tackle. Once I found what I was willing to run, I registered and went to the local running store and got myself some running shoes and other recommended equipment. I was excited! 

And then… I freaked out! I had no idea how to train and for how long? Where to go to get my miles in? Where do I even find time to train with a full-time job and a family to raise? And what about my body? Could it handle it? What if I get hurt? What if I don’t finish? And on and on… You get the picture.

So what happened to me when I allowed myself to become so overwhelmed by the thought of running a half marathon? Well, I found myself at a sanity threshold. Robert Ellis defines the sanity threshold as a feeling of being completely overwhelmed; if you go after what you want, you experience the fear of being way over your head and a mix of emotions such as fear, uncertainty, confusion, exhaustion, and doubt shows up at your door, uninvited.

As I progressed with my training, I experienced every single one of those emotions. There were times when, around mile ten, I was exhausted and full of doubt. I couldn’t do it! I was over my limits, I was on the verge of a breakdown, and ultimately, on the verge of quitting. But I’m not a quitting type, so I continue to push myself despite the mixed bag of emotions that show up every time I put my running shoes on. 

On the day of the race, I was still filled with fear and uncertainty. I still didn’t know if I could even finish the race, but I knew the only way to find out was to go for it. So I did. And it was hard, but it was beautiful. At some point during the race, my fear and uncertainty, confusion and doubt were replaced by empowerment, tears of happiness, and of course, exhaustion - but the good type of exhaustion. Once I crossed the finish line, I was beyond myself with joy. I accomplished something I thought was only reserved for professional runners. My self-esteem and my belief system changed. I freed myself from self-limiting beliefs and stories I told myself over and over again. 

So what were some things I did then and continue to do today whenever I find myself at the sanity threshold? For example, what helps me overcome the feeling of being overwhelmed is to develop a plan of action that will guide me through accomplishing my goal. When in my professional life, I’m tasked with a project that requires me to get out of my comfort zone, and I notice that I’m at the sanity threshold, I acknowledge the challenge and the feelings that show up with that acknowledgment, I ask myself questions - Why do I feel this way? What am I afraid of? Where do I need to go to get help? What do I need to do when I start doubting myself, my skills, and my knowledge? Who can support me on my journey - is it my manager, coach, friends, or maybe my partner? 

Today, I’m not afraid to ask for help when I find myself at the sanity threshold. Today I know that asking for help is not a sign of my weaknesses but a sign of my internal strength. Today I’m not afraid to raise my hand and say, “I don’t know. I need your help. Can you help me because I feel overwhelmed?”

I know what resources are available to me at the reach of my hand, as long as I’m willing to ask for them and as long as I’m willing to continue to do my work instead of throwing my hands in the air, saying, “I quit!”

I’m curious what actions do you take when you find yourself at the sanity threshold? What actions could you take that would allow you to move through the sanity threshold? And lastly, what steps will you take that will take you closer to fulfilling your dreams and creating the life you love?

To Trust or Not To Trust?

During my coaching or leadership training, I’m often asked this particular question: How do you build trust with your partner/children/team or within the organization? I answer that question with this: Trust starts within. Do you trust yourself?

We often find ourselves at the trust threshold in our personal or professional lives.

So what is the trust threshold?  Robert Ellis said, “if you are on a quest for something more aspirational something that will require collaboration, maybe partnership with people that are new to you, how do you know if you can trust them? You’re willing to take a risk, to step into the unknown, but is it safe? What if you get hurt? This is unfamiliar territory. It can feel very vulnerable. You may not know how to create safety for yourself.”

Have you ever found yourself stuck in a dilemma - to trust or not to trust? Have you ever looked at other people and wondered how they do it; how do they trust others? How do they know they’ll have your back if they start working together?

When I started my leadership journey, I stepped into unfamiliar territory, a territory full of unexpected turns and neverending traps I fell into despite my best efforts. Because I was just at the beginning of my journey, I didn’t trust myself. I was terrified of making the wrong move; I was afraid of losing control, getting hurt, being taken advantage of, and losing my face because I failed. I couldn’t even know how to open up to others to build trust, and I wasn’t ready to ask for help. I was scared of being vulnerable because that came with risk, uncertainty, and, mostly, exposure to being seen; it often created a feeling of uncertainty, anxiety, and fear. 

Brené Browns, in her book Daring Greatly, says that “vulnerability sounds like truth and feels like courage. Of course, truth and courage aren’t always comfortable, but they’re never weakness.” Later she states that “being vulnerable and open is a mutual and integral part of the trust-building process.” 

I knew if I wanted to become the leader I imagined myself becoming and leading from a place of trust, I had to let go of the need for control and open up to others. I had to find a way to have less resistance to trust and become more trusting and trustworthy.

I also discovered that I wasn’t only on a leadership journey but also a journey to self-discovery. I knew to start building trust-based relationships with others, I had to start with building trust within.  It wasn’t easy to take the leap of faith and put trust in myself, but little by little, I started to trust my knowledge, my experience, and what was in my bones; all of those parts of me guided me to make the right decisions. Over time, trust became one of my core values.

Building trustworthy relationships is a long and never-ending process. There are times when I need to show my vulnerability to be able to gain someone else’s trust. Sometimes I expect that from others in order to be able to trust them. At this time, I often find myself at the trust threshold, where I can pause, observe, and go inward before I’m ready to walk through the door. Sometimes I also find myself at the knowledge threshold. Maybe the situation feels so familiar that I go back to my previous experience, and based on that, I can make a judgment and respond accordingly. Since I’ve been there before, I’m coming from the fear of knowing too much, so I chose not to trust the person, situation, or opportunity. I might not know enough, and because of a lack of my experience, I chose not to trust a person and enter a partnership with them. When I start to question my trust regarding a person or a situation, it might come with an assumption that maybe I don’t trust myself since I’ve made a wrong decision in the past. That assumption might cost me a relationship, a partnership, or even an opportunity to live a beautiful life, or it might just be just the right thing to do.

Trust doesn’t happen suddenly. It is built during moments that might seem small yet are impactful. We might notice our partner, colleague, or friend’s sad eyes despite the smile on their face, their slouched shoulders, moving the food around the plate during our lunch together. If you notice this moment, you have a choice to redirect your attention from what you’re doing to the person in front of you and become a host - become curious, let them know that you care, ask a question, and listen. Every small act of kindness brings you closer to building a trusting relationship with the person in front of you.

“Trust is a product of vulnerability that grows over time and requires work, attention, and full engagement. Trust isn’t a grand gesture - it’s a growing marble collection.” - Brené Brown.

What actions are you willing to take today that brings you closer to building trust-based relationships?

It Won’t Work. I Just Know It!

Throughout my life, I often found myself in situations where I consciously chose not to participate in a group discussion. But I wasn’t always like that. I used to love participating, organizing, sharing, and contributing to whatever the situation was. But over time, especially when I found myself surrounded by people who were much smarter than me or weren’t too interested in listening to my opinion, I became quieter and quieter; I returned to a place of safety. I participated less and less and didn’t speak up as much as I used to.

Have you found yourself in a situation where your feedback was encouraged, but you decided to sit back and not participate because you just knew others wouldn’t take your contribution seriously? Have you ever thought, “I’ve been there before, and it didn’t work, so I’m just going to sit back and observe the situation from the sidelines without saying a word?”

I know, I have… When I find myself in a similar situation, I know I am at my knowledge threshold. I judge the situation based on my previous experience, and I choose not to bother with contributing. It might be because I believe others aren’t interested in what I have to say or offer. After all, I’m an expert, a judge of my own thinking and actions to keep my mouth shut. And with time, I believe in a story that I know better than to speak up; it never worked before.

When my friends and colleagues asked me why I wasn’t pursuing a leadership track, my answer was I didn’t know anything about leadership. Even if I wanted to become a leader in the future, I didn’t know where to start. At that point, I didn’t know what steps I should be taking that would take me there, so I went on a quest. I was determined to find out what I needed to do, what training I needed to complete, and how to get the leadership experience required to qualify for the job. I secretly started believing that there was a chance of me becoming a leader even though I didn’t know where to start.

I was at my knowledge threshold again. But this time, I was afraid that I didn’t know enough. I wanted something big, something so aspirational that it created butterflies in my belly. I was determined and scared at the same time. I knew if I became a leader, I could create something beautiful, I could help others to pursue their dreams, and could be the leader I always wanted for myself.

My road to leadership was full of knowledge thresholds. There were times when I knew too much based on my previous experience, so I decided to wait to take action. Somehow I knew it wouldn’t take me where I wanted to go; I thought it’d never work. But I’ve tried it before, so why bother this time?

Other times, I didn’t take any action from fear of not knowing enough. Like with my leadership story, I wanted something so aspirational, something I’ve never done before, which came with the possibility that it might not work. Or what if it just might? Either option was equally scary. I had a choice; I could go back to my previous role, where I knew exactly what to do, or I could take chances and become the leader of my dream.

In retrospect, I’m glad I decided to follow my calling. I went to school and got a degree that allowed me to start applying for leadership jobs. I participated in leadership programs and training to learn from other leaders and expand my network of people who could help me on my journey. I asked for help and mentorship. Finally, one day the opportunity came; I got my dream job. I built my team. I set my vision in place. I continued to learn and expand my knowledge to be the best leader my team ever had.

I never stop learning and growing. I continue to find myself at the knowledge threshold more often than I care to admit. I know there is always more to learn, explore, and experiment with. There is always room for improvement.

I’m glad I followed my dream. I’m honored to be part of such an incredible team. I’m privileged to teach others how to be the best leaders for their teams and the organization.

There was something else I realized. Even before I started my leadership journey and encountered my first leadership knowledge threshold, I was already a leader. Just because I didn’t have that in my job title, I already led people and encouraged them to be a better versions of themselves. I showed them there was a different way of doing, thinking, and being in our professional and personal lives.

I hope you can notice when you find yourself at the knowledge threshold. And once you acknowledge it, pause and listen to the message the threshold is trying to tell you. What is it trying to teach you? What can you learn from it? What can you do? Who do you need to become to cross that threshold despite the knowledge you might have based on previous experience or the lack of knowledge because you’ve never done it before?

Follow your heart. Follow your dream. Follow the path that is right before your eyes. And cross the threshold.

Oh, Aren’t You Silly!

In my latest article, I introduced Robert Ellis’ idea of thresholds. Today, I want to take you deeper and share a little more information about the first threshold, the Silliness threshold, and also, I’m also going to share some of my personal stories with you.

So what is the silliness threshold? It’s the fear of not looking good.

I wonder, how many times have you found yourself at this threshold? How often have you thought about starting a new career or moving to a new city, but the fear of doing something you haven’t done before overtook your ability to pursue your dream? How many times did a thought cross your mind that you couldn’t simply come back to being a beginner, especially if you already were in the midst of your career? That’s just silly! Isn’t it!?

Many times in my life, I found myself at the silliness threshold. The one I remember the most was when I joined Coaching from Essence community. When Robert Ellis, my coach, asked me about my dream, I told him I wanted to be a coach - and I laughed! When he asked about my career and my experience, I told him that I’ve been coaching people most of my life, without even realizing it but I wouldn’t “classify” that as coaching. What do you think I did next? Yep, I laughed!

It took me some time to recognize when I was approaching the silliness threshold. In the past, when I started to share my dream with others, I often started to laugh at the absurdness of my thinking, and as I went deeper into sharing my dream, I would give more reasons why it wasn’t practical or possible for me to go that route. Thinking that I would be able to serve people, something that I dreamt about for most of my life, came with some resistance. After all, I had a great career, I was very good at my job, and I really enjoyed what I did, so why would I want to leave it all behind to start all over again? Am I not too old for that? Am I even qualified to do it?

When I shared my vision with my family and friends of being a coach and eventually leaving the career that I’ve built for over a decade, they would look at me with signs of worry on their faces. They tried to convince me that it was too late to follow my dreams; it was too late to change direction. And maybe I was being selfish; after all, I had a family to support!

But I stuck to my goal of becoming the best coach I could possibly be and serving those who choose to work with me. Eventually, I found myself at the place where I felt comfortable with my decision. I knew there would be times when my coaching could’ve been better, my writing wouldn’t be perfect, or I had to show up with more vulnerability.

I was determined to continue building my practice and showing up as my true self. I knew if I stopped now before I really started my journey, I would regret it. I knew that if I gave in to the silliness threshold, to the fear of not being perfect, I would go back to where I was before I decided to dream, where I felt safe and confident because I knew what I was doing.

If I wanted to turn my dreams into reality, I had to become… me. Yes, I had to become me! The true me that had been quietly and patiently waiting for the day when I become daring when I decide to take charge and go on a journey to transform from who I was to who I truly meant to be. Or even something better than I could imagine was possible for me. 

I still don’t know what is possible, and I’m not done exploring. My journey has just started. There is no direct path that takes me to where I want to go. I’m exploring and running experiments to see which path feels more true to me and is more aligned with my purpose. It’s a beautiful journey, full of unexpected turns, drops, and… thresholds. 

I’m curious, have you ever found yourself at the silliness threshold? What did you do? What are you going to do when you find yourself there yet again? What actions will you take to cross the threshold that keeps you away from getting closer to accomplishing your goal or fulfilling your dream?

And as you think about the solution, remember Rumi’s wise words.

“Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it.”

Which Threshold Are You Crossing Today?

About two years ago, I signed up for MIT’s “Mastering Design Thinking” course. I knew I had a lot of valuable skills, but somehow, I couldn’t put them together to bring a sense of flow, a sense of order. So I thought that by attending this workshop, I would learn how to create and manage a project or a service that ensured success.

In my years of study and work, I’ve noticed that whenever I decided to learn a new skill or take another course, there was a feeling of resistance. Sometimes, I would hesitate for a moment because of the fear of failing or looking bad in front of the class. In this case, I was entering a space I didn’t know much about. I was walking toward the unknown. I knew that to be able to succeed, I had to surround and commit myself to the work that lay ahead of me. 

But facing the unknown wasn’t the only challenge I had. I had to face the internal voices as well, the voices that constantly told me that I wasn’t good enough, that I wasn’t smart enough, I would never complete the course—the voices of doubt. And there were the external voices - my family, friends, and coworkers - telling me it was a waste of time and money. Sounds familiar?

But despite the voices and the stories the voices created, I was convinced I was on the right path. I was exactly when I needed to be. After all, I was on a quest to not only expand my knowledge and skillset but also to teach others the flow and guide them on their journey to turn a project into a success. With that in mind, I put my best foot forward toward the unknown, and, week by week, I went outside my comfort zone, met with people I’d never seen before, and completed a project that became close to my heart. 

Have you ever felt a strong desire to answer that call, the call you can no longer ignore, the call that just kept coming back despite your most challenging effort to mute the sound and walk away as far as possible? Or have you ever answered the call and decided to step into the unknowns, to surround and commit despite all the voices and gentle hints from others?

Whether you are ready to answer the call or not, wherever you are on your journey today, I want you to know that you already have everything you need to accomplish what you set your mind on.  You already have the skills, knowledge, and desire to fulfill your destiny; you can be successful in creating the business from your dreams; you can climb the career ladder of your choice; you can find the happiness and love you’re seeking in your life.

So why do so many of us never answer the call? Why do so many of us never go on the journey, the quest to find out what other possibilities exist for us? Why so many of us don’t stand up to the voices and listen to what they are trying to tell us? Is it because what lies on the other side is so foreign and scary that our saboteurs, our inner voice, don’t have a choice but to keep us safe where we are because it’s known, because it is familiar, because if safe? 

In my journey to leadership and coaching, I often came across what Robert Ellis refers to as a threshold, a barrier. He refers to them as “walls, limits you can’t pass through. But a threshold is not a wall; it’s a doorway. It’s a place to notice, pause, learn what you can, and pass thought.”

There is a handful of thresholds we come across in our lives. He describes them as the Silliness threshold - the fear of not looking good; the Knowledge threshold - the fear of knowing too much or not enough; the Trust threshold - the fear of losing safety; the Sanity threshold - the fear of being overwhelmed; and my favorite - the Love threshold - the fear of being unlovable.

I invite you to take some time during this week and pay attention to the threshold you are currently in and write down all the feelings, the fears, the limitations, how it shows up - anything you can notice, and then ask yourself a question - Is it true? Is it really true?